Today’s the Super Bowl: The world championship of large men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball.

“Now, wait a minute,” some of you will say. “Wasn’t there another big championship game just a few weeks ago, where large men in tight clothing fought over a funny-shaped ball?”

Yes, that was the college championship of large men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball. Today the San Francisco 49ers will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs for the professional championship of large men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball.

See the difference?

If you don’t, don’t feel bad, but there is a real big difference.

The large college guys in tight clothing, who fought over a funny-shaped ball last month weren’t paid for dressing in tight clothing, and fighting over a funny-shaped ball (That we know of). The large men in tight clothing, who will fight over a funny-shaped ball today are paid.

Furthermore, many of the large men in tight clothing, who fought over a funny-shaped ball for free were doing it so the people who own and coach the teams of large men in tight clothing who get paid to fight over a funny-shaped ball will choose them to maybe get paid to dress in tight clothing, and fight over a funny-shaped ball.

Clear as mud, right?

The funny thing is I used to care deeply about men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball. Both the guys who get paid and those who don’t. To such an extent that my personal self esteem and sense of well-being were heavily dependent on whether my guys in tight clothing who fight over a funny-shaped ball beat the other guys who dress in tight clothing who fight over a funny-shaped ball.

So what happened? I don’t know, maybe I matured, (fat chance!) Or maybe I just realized the folly of sports.

I mean, think about it. People from San Francisco and Kansas City are mighty proud that their teams are in the Super Bowl. But how many of the players on either team are from their respective cities?

Basically, there will be guys in tight clothing with writing on it that reads, “San Francisco” playing guys in tight clothing that reads, “Kansas City,”  for the professional world championship of large men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball. As comic Jerry Seinfeld pointed out. “You’re essentially rooting for laundry.”

Isn’t perspective a hoot?

But before you think I’m picking on American football, you should know all sports are pretty much nonsense. I mean, most of the world is absolutely banana salad about a game they call, “football,” which is tiny guys in shorts, kicking a paneled ball hither and yon for an hour and a half. Canadians are nuts about a bunch of guys with sticks, skating around, whacking a black piece of rubber (and occasionally each other) with said sticks. And there are myriad other games, where balls are hit, kicked, hurled, chucked and punted hither and yon, to the great delight of throngs of fans (Short for fanatics).

Does this mean I don’t care about sports anymore? Of course not. I enjoy a good afternoon of watching large men in tight clothing, fighting over a funny-shaped ball as much as the next guy. I just don’t take it as seriously as I used to.

Yes, there was a time when I’d be in seventh heaven that the Niners made it to the Super Bowl, but now I can honestly say it doesn’t matter. If the Niners win, I’m gonna be an old bald guy, with no friends and some pretty weird ideas, and if the Chiefs win, I’m gonna be an old bald guy, with no friends and some pretty weird ideas.

Although, I will say if the power goes out at halftime, and there’s no schmaltzy, over-done halftime show, I’ll be very, very happy.

I told you I have some weird ideas.

Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.

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