Didja hear? Boise recently topped livability.com’s 2019 list of the 100 best places live in the country!
“That’s real cool,” Boise says. “What do we get for such a thing?”
People. Lots more people. As we speak, they’re headed Boise’s way from cities that used to be the best danged place in the country to live. (Yeah, they used to be. As in, “It used to be the best city, until the freaks, the homeless, the criminals and the idiots moved there from cities that were number one before them. (And ain’t it amazing how the freaks, homeless, criminals and idiots always migrate from this best city to the next best city to the next.)
And you know what those people are going to bring with them? All the stuff they came to know and love in their used to be the best place in the whole danged country to live! You know, hookers and drug dealers, strip clubs and crime, and best of all, lots and lots more traffic.
Yes, that’s right, Boise! Set your alarm for 4:30 in the AM if you want to make it to work by 9. Sleep is for people in cities that aren’t the best danged place in the country to live. And just to make sure you don’t over-sleep, meet your new neighbors and their dogs, their all-night pool parties and their car stereos with the 10 million watt sub-woofers!
“Wait a minute, Craig,” I can hear my eastern Oregon readers saying. “What do we get from this?”
Well, I’m sure there will be an overflow of people, crime and weirdness in store for us. And just picture all the new Boise resident stoners, who’ll soon be headed our way to buy some sweet legal-in-Oregon ganga. (You know, chronic, weed, wacky-tabacky.) Good thing we voted to legalize the sale of it, huh?
And speaking of that, the Idaho State Police no doubt are going to enjoy camping out on the Idaho side of the Interstate 84 bridge, waiting to emphatically point out to the new residents of the latest number one city in America that a magical thing happened when they brought their legal Oregon pot into Idaho. (Guess what that is …)
But this isn’t about eastern Oregon or the Idaho State Police or legal doobage. This is about Boise. The hottest city in the whole danged country!
Yes, Boise, you made it! You’re the best! Said the article about you on livability.com, “Boise has appeared on Livability’s Top 100 Best Places to Live ranking every year since its inception, but this is the city’s first — and well-deserved — appearance in the top spot.”
Not to urinate in your best city bowl of Fruit Loops, Boise, but I believe they said pretty much the exact same thing about every other city that used to be the best, but, ain’t no more.
You see, the thing about topping these best places to live lists is the fame is as fleeting as it can be. It’s almost as if topping one of these lists is a kiss of death for a city, because as I pointed out, being the best attracts all the stuff that ruined the last best city and the one before that and the one before that. It’s almost as if the freaks, the homeless, the criminals and the idiots are bound and determined to ensure no city will remain the best place to live in the country for long.
All of which leads me to conclude it’s probably best for a city to be like Boise used to be: Just on the list, but not at the top. That’s when you’re an “up-and-comer,” or a “best kept secret.” But once you’re number one, things change fast, and before you know it, you wake up and you’re …
Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.