This week’s episode of Rabbit Hole Theater is a one-act play entitled, “The U.S. Presidency As Practiced By A Mean, Spoiled Teen Girl.”
Our play opens with the mean girl president gazing out the window of the White House residence with a most greedy look on her face. She’s all a-twitter (wink, wink) at the very thought of buying the largest island in the world.
“I want that island,” she greedily says, wringing her smallish hands. “It will be mine.”
The Prime Minister of Denmark enters stage right. (Because the mean teen girl president thinks Finland owns the island she so desperately wants.)
“So sorry,” the prime minister says. (Though we know she’s not sorry in the least.) “Your request is absurd, because the island you want is a semi-autonomous territory of our nation, so even if we wanted to sell it to you, we couldn’t.”
The spoiled mean girl president stomps her foot and pouts a mighty pout; her lower lip so prominently protruded, a flock of pigeons could comfortably perch thereon.
“She’s a nasty, nasty person!” she cries. “She called me, ‘absurd.’ I can talk about other world leaders like that, but no one is allowed to speak about me like that. Here’s what I’m gonna do: I was planning on gracing Finland with my wonderful, beautiful, bigly self, but now I won’t. That’ll teach her not to mess with the American dictator … er, I mean chosen one … er, I mean king … er, I mean president.”
“Well, there’s one less bucket of KFC we have to buy,” the Denmark Prime Minister sighs as she exits stage right.
Impervious, the mean girl president pulls out her cellphone as she walks to the edge of the stage.
“The mean girl president isn’t just the best president for Israel in the history of the United States,’” she says as she quotes an ardent supporter in her tweet. “’She’s the greatest president for Israel in the history of the world!”
Enter “The Mainstream Media Blues Chorus and Dramatic Revue” belting out a rousing rendition of “Really? He Believes That?”
The mean girl president again stomps her feet and shakes her Lilliputian fists.
“I didn’t say that,” she yells at the Mainstream Media Blues Chorus. “I’m just repeating what one of my ardent supporters said.”
“Yes,” the chorus harmonizes. “But doesn’t the fact that you’re repeating it pretty much mean you believe it?”
“How dare you quote what I say?!” The mean girl president says, still stomping her feet and shaking her teeny-tiny fists. “Don’t you know you’re supposed to quote what I meant to say. I swear, the Mainstream Media Blues Chorus has been meaner to me than they have been to anyone in history!”
The Mainstream Media Blues Chorus and Dramatic Revue faints in exasperation.
“Snowflakes,” the mean spoiled girl president sighs as she steps over the prone bodies.
She then returns to her cellphone, opening it to Twitter.
“I imposed tariffs on Chinese goods and ‘Yo, and you know what those horrible Chinese did?’ She says, quoting what she’s tweeting. ‘She retaliated! How dare they! Don’t they know everybody is supposed to like me and just accept everything I do and say as if it’s ordained by the Almighty Himself? Don’t they realize that differing with me in any way, shape or form makes you an enemy of the people? Don’t they know how bigly wonderful I am?’”
Yeah, uh, sorry guys. We’re going to have to cancel this week’s episode of Rabbit Hole Theater. No one would ever believe something as absurd as this.
Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.