I thought since every other Democrat in creation seems to be running for president, I’d join the fray. I’m going to run for president.

Am I qualified? Well, according to the Constitution, you have to be 35 years-old and a natural born citizen. That’s it. Thirty-five and born here.

Check and check.

Of course, this begs the question, “why 35?” Well, I did some research, and here’s what I found.

At the time of the framing of the Constitution, the age where a person took up the responsibilities of citizenship, (voting, serving on juries, etc.) was 21. Madison and the boys wanted a presidential candidate to have enough years of citizenship experience to fully understand and appreciate the office, and the number of years they figured it would take to accomplish that would be 14. Twenty-one plus 14 equals 35.

Of course, this also begs the questions, “why 21,” and, “why 14?” but I lack both the space to go into detail and the attention span to delve deeper. Besides, I’m running for president here. I can’t be sidetracked by reasons and sense and stuff.

What’s important is I’m (way) over 35 and I was born in Montana, which, last time I checked, was still part of the United States. (Although, there are those who claim liberal old Missoula is part of the former Soviet Union, but again, I’m digressing all over the place. Apologies.)

So having met the (minimum) qualifications. What will I do if I’m elected?

Well, I’m a hippie-freak-free-love liberal, so I should want to raise taxes to pay for all kinds of socialistic stuff; but wait a minute. The president can’t do that. Only Congress can do that. The president has to sign off on it, but taxation is Congress’ job, and knowing Congress, they won’t do what I want, so what else should I do?

OK, as many of you know, I’m a crabby old man. I’m pretty sure one or more foreign countries will tick me off to the point where I’ll want to lob a few cruise missiles into the men’s room of their seat of government. (Because nothing strikes fear in governments that tick me off more than the prospect of having a few cruise missiles lobbed into the men’s room of their seat of government.)

Nope. Once again, according to the Constitution, only Congress can declare war. (Stupid Congress. They get all the fun stuff.) Yes, I know presidents have pretty much subverted this, but being a huge fan of the brilliance of Madison and the boys, I think we should do it their way for a change. So what else can I do as president?

I know! If I’m elected president, I’ll sign an Executive Order, requiring the…

Whoa, dude! If you’re a by-the-book, (or Constitution) kind of fella, you must know there’s absolutely nothing in the founding document regarding Executive Orders. In fact, that whirring noise you hear whenever a president (of whatever party) signs one of those things (abominations) is Madison and the boys, spinning at light speed in their graves…

You know, reading Article 2 of the Constitution, it turns out the president doesn’t have a heck of a lot of power at all. He’s Commander in Chief of the armed forces, he has to report to Congress on the State of the Union, “from time to time” he has to submit a budget, he can approve or veto legislation and he gets to nominate a new Supreme Court Justice should one of the old ones croak or retire. However, Congress and the Supreme Court have most of the power. The president has to pretty much ask their permission to do anything fun. Add to that the fact that at least half the country hates you no matter what you do, and it turns out the presidency is a stink job. I don’t think I want to be president after all.

Never mind…

Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.


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