God wants you to get the COVID vaccine.

Hey, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t say it. New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently said it to parishioners at the Christian Cultural Center in Brooklyn.

Yep, the Governor of New York says God wants you to get vaccinated. (“Seeketh thee the religious counsel of the head cheese in Albany on the Hudson,” sayeth chapter 7, verse 24 of the Book of Fools.)

Then again, televangelist Kenneth Copeland says wearing masks and getting vaccinated is “the mark of the beast,” and as such, he claims God most definitely does not want us to be vaccinated. Of course, it should be noted that he said this while pleading for money to buy yet another addition to his fleet of private jets.

Uh-huh, a greedy, hypocritical “preacher” says God does not want you to get vaccinated. (“A true man of God shall rebuke the Satanic airlines,” sayeth chapter 8, verse 38 and a third of the Book of Fools. “But if forced to fly commercial a true man of God must fly business class at the very least.”)

Wow. There sure are a lot of people who claim to know what God wants, aren’t there? My third-grade teacher told me God wanted me to color inside the lines. (I would’ve retorted, “If that’s indeed what He wanted, He wouldn’t have made me left-eye-dominant and right-handed, now would He?” But mouthing off to a nun carries consequences. Serious consequences.)

(Interestingly, my sister recently told me my father didn’t want his baby boy to be a southpaw, so when I was a baby, whenever I’d reach for something with my left hand, he’d swat it away. Should I ever meet Gov. Hochul or “Rev.” Copeland, I plan on asking them what God thinks of that.)

“So, Craig,” I hear you saying. “Since danged near everyone and his brother seems to be telling us what God wants, why don’t you, a marginal columnist, contribute your 37 cents.” (Inflation.)

Well, I got vaccinated back in March and April of this year. I was a slobbery, bald old man before the vaccine, and I’m still a slobbery, bald old man. Similarly, Lovely Wife was incredibly gorgeous and out-of-my-league before she was vaccinated, and she’s incredibly gorgeous and out-of-my-league now. Neither of us became magnetic. (Except her personality, of course.) (Sucking up to the missus in public always earns wife points.) We’re both fine.

“Yeah, that’s cute and all,” you say. “But you didn’t answer the question. Do you think God wants us to get the COVID vaccine?”

Honestly, I fear I’m too paltry to even insinuate that I know what God does or doesn’t want. However, experience and just plain gut feeling brings to mind the following story …

The hero of our tale, John, is watching television, when a news bulletin breaks, telling him days of rainfall has caused the town’s main levee to break. Everyone should evacuate.

“I believe in God,” John says to no one in particular. “He’ll take care of me.”

Just then, there’s a knock at his door. It’s his neighbor, who frantically says, “We have room for one more person in our car. Come with us!”

“I believe in the Lord,” John says. “He’ll take care of me.”

Well, it isn’t long before the ground floor of John’s house is under water, and he finds himself standing at an upstairs window, when man in a rowboat happens by, and yells, “Come with me I’ll get you to safety.”

“I believe in God,” John says. “He’ll take care of me.”

Time passes and the water continues to rise, until John has to take refuge on his roof. Suddenly a Coast Guard helicopter hovers overhead, and a man lowers a rope ladder to him and yells, “Climb up, we’ll get you out of here.”

“I believe in God,” John yells back. “He’ll take care of me.”

Well quite predictably, John subsequently drowns and finds himself eye to eye with the Almighty.

“God,” John pleads. “I believed in you. I prayed to you. You were supposed to take care of me. Why did you forsake me?’

“I sent telecommunication warnings from your local authorities, your neighbor’s automobile, a man in a rowboat, and a Coast Guard helicopter,” God says. “What more did you want?”

Take from it what you will …

Craig Carter is an Ontario resident and can be reached in care of The Argus Observer, 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914. The views and opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily represent those of the Argus Observer.

Load comments