Craig Carter: Lure naysayers with something deep-fried

“No way! This guy on Facebook said there’s a government tracking chip in it, and this other guy on Twitter said no one knows what the heck is in it, and that one lady on Instagram said, ‘What are the long-term effects?’ No way I’m putting that in my body.”

“I hear ‘ya, pal. Let’s go get us a hot dog and a deep-fried Snickers bar.”

“Cool.”

I get it. Your body is a temple, and you ain’t about to defile your precious temple with a vaccine. Well, dig this …

You have a cough and a sore throat, so you go buy some cough drops. According to the ingredient list on a popular brand of cough drops, here’s what you just popped into your temple.

Menthol: That’s the main active ingredient. No fancy-schmancy chemical? Just something you can find in a green pack of Marlboros? (Or a roll of Mentos?) Ok, what else?

Acesulfame Potassium: Is that the villain in the latest cruddy science fiction movie? Nope. It’s an artificial sweetener. Do go on …

Aspartame: Another artificial sweetener. Cigarette additive and two artificial sweeteners. Nummies! What else?

Eucalyptus Oil: The aromatic that clears your sinuses. Careful, though! It attracts vicious koalas. (If attacked by a vicious koala, experts recommend you play dead. Or walk away. They’re kinda puny and they’re really not all that fast.)

FD&C Blue 1 And FD&C Red 40: These are food colorings. Gotta make them cough drops purdy.

Flavors: Flavors? What flavors? Fish scales? Liver and onions?

Isomalt: Yet another artificial sweetener. What? The other two got their hineys kicked by the eucalyptus oil?

Sodium Carboxymemethylcellulose: Oh, come on, Craig! Now you’re just throwing random scatterings of letters on the page, aren’t you? Nope. It’s used to make ice cream creamier and to make toothpaste squeeze more easily out of the tube. Dunno what the heck it’s doing here. (Maybe it hitchhiked.)

Soy Lecithin: Food experts call this a “flavor protector.” (Against who? Terrorists?)

Sucrose: Yet another artificial sweetener. For when three just ain’t enough.

And finally, Water: (In this context, ingredient respectfully requests you refer to it as “Dihydrogen Monoxide.” I mean, even the menthol laughs at a wimpy name like, “water.”)

Yeah, that’s right, Mister “My Body is a Temple.” You just gobbled a cigarette and breath mint additive, four artificial sweeteners, (some of which have been linked on and off to cancers,) two food colorings, (ditto,) and a chemical that makes toothpaste squishier, with a smattering of water. (Dihydrogen Monoxide to you.)

Think that’s something? Consider hot dogs.

Oh, geez! Hot dogs! There are actually government standards as to how much animal hair and fecal matter can be in hot dogs. (Canned tuna and canned fruit and vegetables, as well.). And read the ingredients in processed foods. The sodium content alone will give you nightmares. Not to mention all those pharmaceuticals we’re told on commercials we should ask our doctors about. What’s in them? What are their long-term effects?

And speaking of long-term effects, do you take vitamins? Congratulations! You’re a guinea pig as to their long-term effects. When people die in numbers, vitamins are removed from the shelves. Not a second sooner. (Unlike vaccines, vitamins and supplements aren’t subject to FDA approval or oversight.)

I’m not saying you should throw out your vitamins, stop eating out, toss your canned foods and cower in the corner. I’m just pointing out the silliness of this sudden, “My body is a temple,” attitude some have suddenly adopted in regard to the COVID vaccine.

And as for the government tracking microchip claims, if the government wanted to implant microchips into us, I dare say they’d be a little sneakier than a vaccine. No, if the government wanted to implant computer chips into us, I think the perfect place to do that would be the food court at the mall or vendors at a county fair. Heck, I bet if you opened a booth at the fair with a big sign that read, “Deep Fried Government Tracking Microchips,” there’d be a line around the midway.

Hey! It’s deep-fried! It has to taste good.

Wait a minute! Deep Fried COVID Vaccine. Vaccine Dogs. Immunity Fries. {span}Battered and deep-fried messenger Ribonucleic Acid (look it up) on a stick.{/span} I believe I’m on to something here …