The Backroads: Why does it snow, Mom?
A feisty conversation with Mother Nature

By Sean Hart
Saturday, October 31, 2009 9:02 PM PDT

“To every thing there is a season ...” — Ecclesiastes 3:1. Snow in October? So much for autumn. Summer seemed to plunge straight into the cold depths of winter like a train that derailed off a bridge into an icy river.

I seem to recall being taught there were four seasons, but I can’t remember the last time we actually experienced spring and fall, the moderate times.

What happened?

Before the leaves had even finished changing color this year, brisk winds began peeling them from their branches. Before they could be raked, rain made a soupy mess of the foliage that was supposed to provide this season’s color.

And to top it all off, snow — like powdered sugar atop a syrup-drenched stack of French toast in a land with no forks or napkins. Sure, it may look fine from afar, but just try enjoying it.

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Alas, Mother Nature seems to have lost her touch for serving up a variety of dishes, and she’s probably getting pretty tired of hearing us “kids” complain:

“Mom, are you serious? We just had that yesterday.”

“I told you I’ve been busy. Do you realize how hard it is to ...”

“But, Mom, you used to cook four different meals and all things in between.”

“Oh, you want something different? I’ll give you different ...”

“Mom, calm down.”

“How’s this?!”

“You know I hate frozen food, Mom.”

“You don’t like it frozen? Well, you’d better get used to it ...”

“But, Mom!”

“... We’re having leftovers for the next six months!”

So here we are, trapped in some kitchen on the outskirts of hell staring at the second-rate product of a disgruntled cook — a “hot” roast beef sandwich so cold the gravy has curdled and, for dessert next “spring,” boiling ice cream. It’s easy to blame the chef, but there is usually much more to these stories than what is scrawled on the bathroom wall.

Maybe Lady Liberty lost her values awhile back and seduced Father Time for a quick fling — leaving Mother Nature in a tempest. And perhaps the good Lady has now realized the error of her ways and will begin to respect the maternal figure. If so, maybe things will calm down in the future — but these cuts may not heal in our lifetime.

Then again, Mother Nature may just be hot and bothered about something else altogether — I’ve never really understood women.

Either way, invest in a good parka and stock up on canned goods. It could be a long, long winter.

And I wouldn’t hold your breath for “spring.”

Unless it’s just menopause (Lord help us), I think the worst of the storm is yet to come.

Lifestyle Editor Sean Hart can be contacted at SeanH@argusobserver.com. The views and opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of the Argus Observer.