Random Acts of Writing: Icky shenanigans
By Craig Carter
Saturday, July 4, 2009 8:58 PM PDT
Welcome to the continuing saga of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford.
As you may recall, I recently wrote a column about Gov. Sanford up and leaving the country over Father’s Day weekend to hang out with his mistress in Argentina. (Father’s Day being just about the worst day of the year to do such a thing.)
You may also recall, in that other column, I told you how, after Gov. Sanford went missing, his staff was hard at work trying to make the whole thing look as good as they could. First they said he was writing, then he was hiking, then, when the smelly stuff hit the fan, he was cavorting.
At this point, I’d be willing to bet there was at least one member of the governor’s staff that looked him square in the eye and said, “OK, governor, you’ve acted in as icky a fashion as you possibly could. Now you should just shut the heck up.”
Yes, shutting the heck up would have been best. Especially considering the death of Michael Jackson pushed the Sanford story from the news cycle. So all’s well in South Carolina icky land, right?
Wrong-o! The week after Sanford came clean and admitted he had an affair, something inside his pointed little adulterer’s head caused him to wonder how he could possibly get ickier and thus force his scandal back into the limelight, and boy, howdy! Did he ever find a way!
He gave an interview to the Associated Press, wherein he admitted he had a number of “inappropriate encounters” with women other than his wife and his Argentine mistress through the years. But he, “Never crossed the line with them.” (Yeah, I know. Ick.)
Then, just when I thought he had reached critical ick mass, he up and said his Argentine mistress was his “soul mate.” But he tempered that declaration by claiming he was going to try to do the right thing and “fall back in love” with his wife. (Naturally, Mrs. Sanford wasn’t available for comment. But I’d be willing to bet if you were to get in contact with her in regard to this, you’d hear a four-letter word or 49. And the crashing of large, heavy objects.)
So, just for kicks and giggles, I asked my lovely wife how she’d react if I had an affair, then wrote a column stating my mistress was my soul mate, but I wanted to fall back in love with my lovely wife. My sweet, adorable, even-tempered lovely wife didn’t use four letter words because that’s not how she rolls. However, she did make it very plain, in no uncertain terms, that were I to try such an icky thing, there would be a very high likelihood that the street outside our house would be (hippie-freak, free-love) liberally strewn with little bitty writer bits. And she further informed me she herself wouldn’t have to do any chopping because there would be a mob consisting of every church lady from Ontario to Weiser, and everybody that knows both of us, and my family and her family, and everyone that works with both of us, and everyone that reads my column (all 12.5 of you) that would be very glad to come to my house and chop me into little bitty writer bits and (hippie-freak, free-love) liberally strew said bits hither and thither.
So guess what? I have absolutely no plan whatsoever to do that in the near future.
That said, though, I have to thank Gov. Sanford because his icky shenanigans and his refusal to resign have provided me with probably the easiest column I’ve ever written.
So Gov. Sanford, thanks, dude. You’re the best thing to happen to humor writers since Larry Craig and his wide stance in the bathroom. You two dudes should get together and exchange ick recipes.
Craig Carter, an Ontario resident, writes a bi-weekly column for the Argus Observer. Comments or questions for Mr. Carter can be directed to: Craig Carter, Argus Observer Newsroom; 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario, OR 97914
