The Country Curmudgeon: Fast forward
By Roy Hicks
Thursday, May 15, 2008 10:39 AM PDT
Henry Hobson was thrilled with his new television set. After years of squinting at a small screen from halfway across the living room, he finally bought a 36-inch LCD wide-screen and subscribed to a satellite carrier called “TimeSavers.” This service promised “All that TiVo can do, and more!”
After the new system was installed, Henry’s life was changed forever. A TV addict who watched between four and six hours a day, Henry even took to going to sleep on the living room couch every night while the big screen flickered high-resolution pictures and muttered to itself with historical shows, biographies and old movies. What really delighted Henry was that the large remote control featured a red button marked “FAST FORWARD.”
Experimenting, Henry discovered he could zip through the irritating 16 or more minutes of commercials that punctuated nearly every hour. This was wonderful. Now Henry could effortlessly punch through all that boredom and enjoy the broadcasts uninterrupted, and this became so automatic he did so with gleeful abandon. Gone forever were miracle cleaners, air fresheners, upside-down tomato plants and, best of all, the seemingly endless and thoroughly annoying “$19.95 special offers” by huckster Billy May. He could even skip from one boring program into the middle of another already underway.
Before very long Henry began to notice something disturbing. He was only 42 years old, but already his hair was turning prematurely gray and the lines and creases in his face were deepening considerably earlier than he would have expected. He also noted that his formerly trim and fit physique had begun to turn soft, and he no longer had his former strength in his arms and hands. “Gotta get more exercise,” he thought to himself, but could never actually get off the couch to start and maintain a daily regimen.
Henry noticed that most of his friends seemed to be experiencing the same problems. He mentioned this to a couple of them, but they merely smiled and said “Well, Henry, we’re all getting older.” He shrugged this off at the time.
But after a while Henry became genuinely concerned. His once-dark hair had become thoroughly gray and was rapidly thinning. His image in the bathroom mirror was becoming grimmer every day. Indeed, he looked at least five years older than he should have. Worse, all of his friends were exhibiting the same symptoms, including his patient and loyal lady friend Gayle who had stayed with him off and on over all that time in the quiet and unspoken hope they might eventually get married.
In a moment of shock one quiet evening, Henry finally understood what was happening. In so regularly and often punching the FAST FORWARD button on the “TimeSavers” remote control, he was not merely advancing the television broadcasts: he was actually fast-forwarding time itself. In doing this, he had advanced himself well beyond where he might have been had he allowed real time to merely play itself out.
“Good grief!” he thought. “What have I done?” In a sudden cold sweat Henry finally realized that in “fast-forwarding” through 10 years, he had actually cost himself a few years of his natural life: years when he might have married, enjoyed a much fuller relationship with Gayle and done a lot more for himself and his community.
Henry was stunned. In a moment of panic he picked up his TV remote control and for the first time noticed there was no REVERSE, and, in actually reading his original contract with “TimeSavers,” he discovered there was NO RETURN, either.
Roy Hicks, a Payette resident, writes a weekly column for the Argus Observer. Comments or questions for Mr. Hicks can be directed to: Roy Hicks, Argus Observer Newsroom; 1160 S.W. Fourth St., Ontario OR, 97914
