Thoughts on Ahmadinejad

By Craig Carter
Thursday, October 4, 2007 2:47 PM PDT

I would now like to discuss Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

As many of you know, I call him Rick because I can’t write what I want to call him in a family newspaper.

If you want to know what I’d like to call him, though, just feel free to approach me on the street and ask. However, if you’re not a big fan of three- and four-syllable dirty words, don’t bother asking.

See what I did there? I got you to think of what I’d like to call Rick without actually have to come right out and write dirty words. The life of a writer can sometimes be so sweet.

So anyway, we were discussing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (I call him Rick), and his recent three-day visit to New York City, wherein he caught a show, had a nosh and spouted a whole bunch of hateful, ignorant, just plain stupid things at the United Nations and at Columbia University.

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To give you an idea, he questioned that the Holocaust occurred (Dachau and Auschwitz were apparently trendy day spas. Who knew?), insinuated that 9/11 may have been an inside job, and, my personal favorite, he claimed there are no homosexuals in Iran.

OK, I don’t really have to make much commentary on the Holocaust and 9/11 things. The ignorance and blatant hatred speak for themselves, do they not?

But the homosexual thing just made me laugh.

So here’s the deal. If you ever want to raise the hackles of an Iranian, just call him an Arab. Iranians are Persians, not Arabs. (Those of you who think there’s no difference should look it up, or maybe take a course in world history and geography.) And let me just say there’s no way the culture that gave the world gorgeous rugs and velvet on the walls can be completely devoid of gays. It just ain’t possible (he said sarcastically).

At any rate, I seriously suspect Ahmadinejad (I call him Rick) bases his claim about no homosexuals in Iran on the fact that nobody in Iran (publicly) admits to being homosexual.

In fact, I think the Iranian government sends ominous-looking men, carrying clubs and guns door-to-door to ask, “Are you homosexual?” and thus far no one has said yes. So presto!! Rick believes there are no homosexuals in his country! (I don’t think that really happens, but given Rick’s level of evil, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it does.)

Granted, Rick isn’t the only world leader who practices this kind of deliberate obliviousness.

Our own President Bush believes that since he never talks to Democrats, that means they don’t exist.

However, the brand of obliviousness practiced by Bush is cute.

Rick’s brand of obliviousness results in torture and murder for their own sake.

Not to make too light of Rick, though, we should always bear in mind that he wants to possess nuclear weapons, and, depending on who’s doing the intelligence, his country either already has the capacity or they’re danged close.

While I don’t think we should unilaterally attack his country to correct that scary proposition (look how well our last unilateral military move worked out), I do not think delusional, evil men like Rick should be allowed to say nuclear weapons, much less have access to one.

It’s like giving a crack-addicted monkey a flamethrower. Nothing good is going to come from it.

And finally, I’ve decided Rick is too good a name for Ahmadinejad, so henceforth I have decided to refer to him has Farnsworth Doggy-doo.

Evil men deserve to be mocked at every opportunity. And like I said, if you want to know what I really think of him, consider multi-syllabic dirty words.